MarleneJaeckel.com

I’m a very private person, an introvert who, for most of her life, has been required to participate in social interactions like an extrovert. Although I mastered these social chameleon skills at an early age, it came at a cost. I lost almost ten years of my life battling bulimia, bad relationships, and debilitating clinical depression that I skillfully hid from everyone. The day my father died, I hit rockbottom. Through counseling and treatment, I recovered and made great strides toward a healthy mental frame of mind, but alas, the image I have of myself is still quite different from the image that I try to create in the minds of others so they may like me.

Living your life dependent on that approval makes you very vulnerable. You never feel in control. You give so much that you fear there might come a day when you won’t have anything left. So you build up defenses, a suit of armor, so nothing can hurt you. In my case, I’ve developed an alter persona of an outspoken, abrasive, and irreverent tough girl to guard and protect the shy woman hiding inside. People who don’t know me well, think I’m just angry and hostile. At first they become frustrated when I raise the gates, later, irate when I defiantly overreact to perceived slights. If only they knew that it only takes one resentful comment to work its way into my heart like a glass splinter. Because I’m nothing but a fragile tough girl. And the pain I feel when they don’t like me, is a soul-hurt.

The last time I checked it was 2009. Dell, however, seems to think it’s 1957, because they’ve recently launched a new website to help dumb females choose a new Inspiron Mini in fun, fashionable colors. Sorry, Dell, but for this kind of bullshit, I’ll never buy another one of your products ever again.

Seriously, the jackass who woke up one morning with the bright idea to pitch these cutesy pieces of crap to hipsters should be fired. Did nobody in your company get the memo that a large portion of the female market consists of very capable, intelligent women who know their way around technology? If we wanted a device with 1GB of RAM and a 16GB hard drive, we’d buy a fucking iPod Touch or iPhone, not something that weighs two and a half pounds. Oh, and to use a fashion expert as the featured artist (whatever the hell that means), is just adding insult to injury. Why do so many companies find it so hard to fathom that women can be treated as regular consumers with the ability to think for themselves? That we’ve left the pink ghetto and do not appreciate being typecast? And egad! buy real computers, not Barbie’s oversized tablets?

Looks like I’ll be going to USPHS 2009 after all, thanks to a generous scholarship from the CDC. I’m most excited about the epidemiology luncheon and meeting some of the researchers from Johns Hopkins School of Public Health.

Unfortunately it means buh-bye to the biostatistics conference in Jekyll Island. Why does it have to be so hard to make it to all the events that I want to attend?

There’s a couple of things in life that really piss me off and dealing with cowards tops the list. This morning, someone thought it appropriate to send me a sermon on shutting people out of my life (see previous post). A nice gesture? Sure. Not that I usually pay much attention to advice from strangers, but whatever. But why, oh, why, did this Good Samaritan have to use “anon”? Now he or she only succeeded in annoying me. Seriously, folks, if you’re ever in the situation where you want to judge someone that you don’t know, at least have the balls to use your real name.

I’ve never shut the door on anybody in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gotten close, but I’ve always left a little bit of leeway. Just enough room for an apologetic phone call, email, or chance encounter, so that no one has to live with regrets. Until last night. For the very first time I put up enough barriers to keep someone out forever, because I won’t be able to give him another chance without betraying myself in the process. It’s an amazingly powerful feeling to care enough about yourself to do whatever is necessary in order to protect your heart and mind from further harm. I do not advocate doing anything as radical as this for any other reason. Revenge and anger only make you bitter and take away your personal power, whereas standing up for your feelings and your sense of self worth gives you a tremendous boost of positive energy.

“For when a woman is left too much alone, sooner or later she begins to think, and no man knows what then she may discover.”

~ Edwin Robinson

The blogging game, that is. After an extended hiatus (gosh, has it been two years already?), I’ve decided to relaunch this space. Partly because I suspect that my nice, friendly posse on Facebook, Twitter, and all the other social media sites I peruse, are starting to get tired of my constant status updates, but also because I’ve simply missed writing. You see, for me, the act of writing is a little like therapy, but without the $150 an hour bill (before the deductible is met) and a $20 copay. It’s also a little like comfort food, but without the calories.

Which brings me to an important point. This is a personal blog. By definition, this means I am allowed to use my first amendment right to write whatever pops into my head, provided I don’t harm or violate the rights of a fellow member of the human race. Nor the rights of an employer, which is thankfully not something I have to worry about. It does not, however, imply that this is child-safe. In fact, you may even want to exercise caution if you’re a conservative adult. God forbid my writing makes you think or question your beliefs or insults some symbol you hold near and dear.

If you’re an old friend, welcome back. To noobs, glad to see you made your way over. Feel free to add me to your reader, if you’re so inclined. To get in touch with me, please use the contact form. I promise to respond if you’re civil and/or able to spell reasonably well.